Spring Cleaning the Inauthentic Life…part 4

First off, I didn't expect to get so many messages about this sharing. Many people gave advice, asked if I was okay, or thanked me, saying they resonated.

I am okay.

I feel my heart more than ever before, perhaps truly for the first time in my life.

But I can't give you the feel-good conclusions just yet.

We now enter the part of the story where the protagonist (yours truly) looks like they're about to break through, and another seemingly insurmountable challenge arises.

Really, you ask? Yes.

So, as circumstances would have it, we were led to Mexico.

We have lived in Latin America for so long, and leaving didn't feel right. It was amazing to visit friends and family in Canada, but at that time, I hadn't surrendered to the journey that Canada has collectively signed up to take. I still cringed and winced at the news propaganda and grocery bills. I am still working to keep my heart open in the face of violent criminals being released the same day.

So, without getting too much into it, we came down here with a lot of great momentum. We had potential projects in the pipeline and hope in our hearts. Then they all turned to dust in our hands. I am grateful that we got the information we needed to avoid a bad situation, but it was a bad situation.

It was yet another experience of feeling like my prayers had been answered and then nothing. Why, after following all the calls and being brave to face the unknown, was I being so deeply abandoned by spirit?

Cue March 2025.

The Mayans consider cenotes sacred, using them as sources of freshwater and sometimes for sacrificial offerings. Some cenotes were believed to be portals to the underworld, Xibalba.

I now have no doubt that this is true. These are not fun swimming holes but should ALWAYS be approached with humility and respect.

The day I dove into this cenote, I was doing okay. Friends had come to see me, and I still felt like I was meeting all the challenges with a semblance of grace. That morning, I had done a meditation that slammed into my heart, one of those that leaves you with palpitations for several hours. I thought, hey, I am starting to crack into something deep. Chuffed.

Well, Xibalba decided the time was ripe for death. That if heart was what I was seeking, I needed to take a deep journey.

Dipping my feet in Xibalba and still smiling…for now.

That night, I was visited in my dreams by white, transparent beings grasping at me with haunted faces. I could feel the squeezing on my wrists, and they would not let go. I have met these suicide entities with clients in ceremony several times. I knew who they were and what they wanted. I think that knowledge kept me somewhat sane over the next week.

As a disclaimer, I was not suicidal in any way. Yet these energies resonated with something within me.

When I woke, I knew something wasn't right. Yet, as life does, I had friends visiting, and there was no space for it. So I set it aside.

When I watched them drive away in the van, I came home to learn that the path to immigration we were counting on was canceled.

No one and nowhere wanted me.

Then my dear friends' hopelessness and apathy reached a crescendo of feverish heights.

I had met this same energy at the end of my three-month dieta in 2017. I sacrificed and starved for three months, only to be told by my own inner demons that I was worthless and should give up. I didn't, but I wanted to. It is that voice that sabotages absolutely everything, and we all have it.

With the help of a new teacher, I had been starting the work of meeting life as it is. In cracking open my heart, I re-released this shadowy genie from the bottle. I thought the dieta had healed me from this depth. What I had actually done was thrown it in the closet and called it a day. To meet it again, bigger and bolder, felt devastating.

Yet this time, instead of trying to sing and sweep it away, I decided to let it consume me fully and swan-dive right into being done with everything. Done. I give up.

What followed were some pretty dark days of grieving. I had to surrender that part of me that always dusts herself off to fight for the cause, the one who believes she knows where this life is going and exactly how to get there, the one who stands at the gate of what is and cherry-picks who or what is worthy of love and what should be turned away, the one who had a laundry list of what I needed to check off to be deemed worthy.

The beings had been coming for her all along, and I sweated, cried, and vomited to hold onto her.

Until I finally gave up on that too.

Then it felt like I fell through the bottom into a very deep silence. The judge and jurors looked around, stunned, waking from the hypnotic dream.

I had heard many teachers talk about surrender, and like a good student wanting to please the teacher, I nodded along like I understood. Then I left to complain and judge the world away.

This time, something was different.

What if I truly accepted that I cannot see the full scope of the journey?

What if I took what was presented in each moment and just let it be?

What if I committed to stop going into contraction in the face of discomforting signals?

This is when I truly started to understand what disappearing to life means. We are taught through childhood and our genetic ancestry how to survive. Some of us go into anxiety, some into rage, some into perpetual motion, some into denial. The moment we turn away from life into the usual exit strategy, we are no longer there. Recoiling from pain is like getting poked by the demons locked in the subconscious and bolting. Rage, wishing someone would change, or falling into workaholism feels like taking control. Does surrender and compassion mean I am giving up and acquiescing to the darkness of life?

Randomly letting the shadow aspects come out in drawing. How long had crab/piggy been kicking around?

On some level, yes. We carry all the archetypes within, from angelic savior to bloodlusting warrior. The denial and isolation of the archetypes of pain perpetuate suffering on this planet. I believe that the solutions to societal and political issues lie deep within the evolution of human consciousness.

So, what does it mean to start leading from the heart?

If I was truly going to find the next evolution of my work on this earth - THIS was going to be a massive piece.

I am diving into a retreat this weekend to further that exploration, so part 5 may take a few extra days.

Hopefully with some more gems in tow.