Embracing the Void: Releasing Identity and Finding Presence in the Emotional Backlog

We all feel it…at least a lot of people I have talked to are feeling it.

The unwinding of the drivers that once formed identity…a safe and solid reality.

The need to achieve, to be SOMEONE, to exude success and magical manifestation powers.

I have witnessed archetypes within myself and my greater community, dive bomb since we moved into the fire period of awakening in early 2024.

So who are we when we loosen the bonds of healer, provider, boss babe, divine masculine embodied, good person everyone can count on?

Initially we are not much…by design. I think this is the fog of meaninglessness that naturally arises when the things that once provided meaning start to dissolve like ice cream on a hot day. Suddenly building the bank account matters less, or posting regularly on social media, or organizing anything for that matter. I often hear in others and in myself on the hard days - what is the point of it all?

This is the crux when we may start slower drive bys with the present moment out of desperation for peace. The NOW. The ONLY THIS. Yet initially, we pop in and get immediately distracted because the emotional and mental backlog is still sitting in the trunk, screaming for you to drive somewhere else…anywhere but HERE.

We want to be the solid masculine principle of presence, yet turning to face the rage, tears and anxiety of years of a feminine energy that has been bypassed feels monumental and maybe a little lonely. How do I sit with an anxiety level through the roof when my partner emotionally disappears? How can I feel any kind of equanimity when humans are absolutely horrific to one another? How can I smile beatifically when I have to choose between fixing my car and eating?

What I am coming to, is that we decide one day to stop running and turn around and meet it. I have to admit that the x years of spiritual work have helped but anxiety can still swallow me and I still judge the crap out of everyone and everything. I still see 1000 insufficiencies. I have been hovering around it for months but am only now finding the words to articulate it.

What if the ‘healthy embodied masculine’ is not a workshop about communication and good boundaries, but it is about getting real about how comfortable we are with the NOW? How comfortable am I with leaving space between the thought stream, or setting down dependence on what it is saying to form my reality?

The more I started asking this - it was amazing how much rage and anxiety and tricks the mind came up with to pull me from the abyss of silence and not-knowing. I was so confused for months because I thought - here I am offering presence and listening and things are getting even worse and even more hopeless. I spent hours and hours on my bed stabilizing my energy field just to be able to function through the flood.

Enter the EMOTIONAL BACKLOG.

If I have spent the majority of my life disappearing into holding up an identity, getting angry when something challenges it, getting anxious when it collapses, there is nothing here that has any capacity to ‘hold space’ for what is in front of me. Rage rolls in and I find 1000 ways to dodge it and point fingers. Rage goes into the backlog waiting for a spark of tinder to remind me she is here and not going anywhere till I invite her in. This is why we continue to paint the present with the past and can dive into a disproportionate abandonment spiral when someone innocently says NOT TODAY.

This massive emotional backlog sits in the emotional field and acts like a barrier to receiving any type of higher signal that we profess to want. I can’t tell you the amount of people who have come to me asking to ‘open their intuition’. I get it - I want that too. Yet the process to clear the debris to that signal is not a one medicine workshop deal. We have to start committing to presence and letting all of it come full force.

I can see this lightbulb in the collective. Many people seeing the untrusting masculine that plays out as overthinking in the place of faith in what is present. Many people are feeling the contraction that a life in refusal offers. Many are questioning the archetypes that are no longer feeding them.

So I offer these words as the next step: How willing are we to slow way down and turn towards no past and no future? To being brave enough to stop ruminating on the way out because we think we can see all pathways of both our and humanities higher plan?

The more that I can do this - I am able to start pulling ignored Shaktis/traumas/experiences out of the closet and feel them relax in recognition. As I clear the closet, there is a possibility that there could be an experience of self that is not born of personality structure. That I could touch something deeper as “I” that is not here today and gone tomorrow. I want to know the thing that can hold all the shakti and not collapse. The thing that isn’t holding space - but is the space completely.

This is the very thing that forced me to stop in 2023.

All this time off kept me asking - what stops a person from endlessly healing? Endlessly going to retreats, processing, identifying? If we keep identifying solely with emotion and thought we can conjure illness forever. I am speaking not from a pedestal, but from the depths of the endless tears I have cried over obliterated frameworks creating more and more questions.

Now I finding more peace with the questions and the not knowing.

I imagine what the world would be like if the ebb and flow of hatred, judgement, and separation had a soft place to land rather than being abandoned.

First we start with inviting our own home to our heart.